A) I'm still alive
B) I might start blogging again
All That We Love
1 week ago
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Still here.
It's sunny out and I think I'm going to climb out onto the roof to read and write and think. I always say that but very little writing ever actually gets done. Reading, yes, thinking, most definitely, but generally I have too many thoughts and I don't end up putting them down on paper like I planned. Oh well.
Earlier I was thinking that it's a shame I don't smoke, because there's something really maudlin about sitting on a rooftop, smoking. But an increased risk of lung cancer, the idea of paranoia setting in while 30 feet above ground, coughing, and the fact that I really don't like it are all excellent reasons not to start. Aesthetics can be romantic, reality less so. I'll still with not-writing.
I'll try to actually do a real post soon.
Earlier I was thinking that it's a shame I don't smoke, because there's something really maudlin about sitting on a rooftop, smoking. But an increased risk of lung cancer, the idea of paranoia setting in while 30 feet above ground, coughing, and the fact that I really don't like it are all excellent reasons not to start. Aesthetics can be romantic, reality less so. I'll still with not-writing.
I'll try to actually do a real post soon.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Is the expression "the devil is in the..." or "God is in the..."?
Details details details.
Usually when I freak out about things it's because my brain is trying to take in way. too much. stuff. Every worry gets expanded upon until "Being in my hometown is awkward and stressful" becomes "YOU WILL NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYONE IN YOUR HOMETOWN HATES YOUR FAMILY AND CLEARLY IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." The hard part is that in the moment, that seems completely inevitable, obvious, and true. My brain has a serious disconnect between what I know intellectually and what I sometimes feel. It's annoying, at best.
I'm starting to realize that the best thing to do when I stress out about the big picture (my future career or lack thereof! my future marriage or lack thereof! the overreaching influence of the patriarchy and how I am just one comparitively tiny feminist!) is to scale my brain way, way back down and focus on details. This is one of the reasons I like knitting.
Some details that are pleasing me at the moment:
- I live in a 150-year-old farmhouse. The tangible textures, shapes, noises and quirks of it keep me intrigued pretty much 24/7.
- I have new books! purchased with a Christmas giftcard. Among these is Celebrity Detox by Rosie O'Donnell, whose previous memoir Find Me is one of my all-time favorites.
- My mom's dog Smokey. He's a 95-pound Blue Tick Coonhound / Black Labrador mix and is exceptionally spacey and mellow. He likes to stand up like a person and put his paws on my chest while I ruffle his hound dog ears.
- Pretty much anything Amanda Effin' Palmer does makes me happy, including her latest blog. She posted on Twitter that she loved the negative comments she was getting because they were just proving her point - that she isn't a classical pianist, and had to come up with something else instead. Unfortunately I can't watch the video right now because the computer I'm on is too slow...but her message always gets across in her posts. Be yourself and be happy with that. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.
In other news...have decided that even though I am very well paid, housesitting in my hometown is not worth the strain on my sanity, and I will be declining future offers.
Killian is coming back to the state tomorrow, I'm heading back up north in a few days and there is a possibility that I will EXPLODE from delight at seeing my friends for the first time in a month.
I find that when in doubt, chocolate is an excellent detail to focus upon.
My attempt to be zen in the face of uncertainty continues.
:-D
Usually when I freak out about things it's because my brain is trying to take in way. too much. stuff. Every worry gets expanded upon until "Being in my hometown is awkward and stressful" becomes "YOU WILL NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYONE IN YOUR HOMETOWN HATES YOUR FAMILY AND CLEARLY IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." The hard part is that in the moment, that seems completely inevitable, obvious, and true. My brain has a serious disconnect between what I know intellectually and what I sometimes feel. It's annoying, at best.
I'm starting to realize that the best thing to do when I stress out about the big picture (my future career or lack thereof! my future marriage or lack thereof! the overreaching influence of the patriarchy and how I am just one comparitively tiny feminist!) is to scale my brain way, way back down and focus on details. This is one of the reasons I like knitting.
Some details that are pleasing me at the moment:
- I live in a 150-year-old farmhouse. The tangible textures, shapes, noises and quirks of it keep me intrigued pretty much 24/7.
- I have new books! purchased with a Christmas giftcard. Among these is Celebrity Detox by Rosie O'Donnell, whose previous memoir Find Me is one of my all-time favorites.
- My mom's dog Smokey. He's a 95-pound Blue Tick Coonhound / Black Labrador mix and is exceptionally spacey and mellow. He likes to stand up like a person and put his paws on my chest while I ruffle his hound dog ears.
- Pretty much anything Amanda Effin' Palmer does makes me happy, including her latest blog. She posted on Twitter that she loved the negative comments she was getting because they were just proving her point - that she isn't a classical pianist, and had to come up with something else instead. Unfortunately I can't watch the video right now because the computer I'm on is too slow...but her message always gets across in her posts. Be yourself and be happy with that. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.
In other news...have decided that even though I am very well paid, housesitting in my hometown is not worth the strain on my sanity, and I will be declining future offers.
Killian is coming back to the state tomorrow, I'm heading back up north in a few days and there is a possibility that I will EXPLODE from delight at seeing my friends for the first time in a month.
I find that when in doubt, chocolate is an excellent detail to focus upon.
My attempt to be zen in the face of uncertainty continues.
:-D
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Non-clever title re: knowing when to leave
This is something I am exceptionally Not Good At. In any sort of relationship, I don't know when to call it quits, it takes me a long time to even realize I should consider calling it quits. Things usually disintegrate pretty badly before I get to that point. Over the past two years, I've gotten a little better at it, but not much. Moving is the biggest thing that's helped (do not live with emotionally abusive parents or non-abusive ex's - I have that down pat now!). But my timing is still way off. You're supposed to leave when the parent physically threatens you, not years later. You're supposed to leave when the ex breaks up with you, not months later. There must be red flags that lead up to those points, as well, but I'll be damned if I know what they actually mean.
So when do you give up on a relationship? I've got two that I'm debating about right now, one romantic and one family.
The romantic one is easier (in theory anyway) because it's not a question of whether to end things but of whether to hold out hope of reviving them. You take your time apart, get yourselves both into better mental places - and then what? If your life is better with someone in it, how high a priority do you make them? If there are foreseeable obstacles down the road, unrelated to your mutual affection, how seriously do you take them? Is it worth it to try, knowing you might not make it together? Or is it better to cut your losses and try to Just Be Friends, knowing it's "easier" to decide this now than it will be later? What happens if there's another, possibly "better" person in the picture? What exactly are you willing to potentially give up, either way?
Family. Ugh. I don't know that this one is even possible to get out of even if I wanted to. I just wrote a lovely paragraph explaining the situation as vaguely as I could while still making sense, and I just deleted it because even though about 3 people read this, it's not something I can have floating around on the internet. More questions. Can you ever forgive someone for destroying your family? Can you ever learn how to seperate who you are from the things someone else did? I am perfectly capable of smiling and discussing mundane things and making each other laugh hysterically when we visit. But I don't know if I can keep doing that my whole life. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what to do when you love the person you hate the most.
Wow. Way to be depressing with the first post of the New Year, huh? Sorry. I am going nuts with the girl situation right now as well as itching to see my friends at school. I'm housesitting (and making mad money!) for my friend's family through Sunday, then heading back to my apartment for a few weeks before I move back home indefinitely. Can't remember if I mentioned the move in the New Year's blog. So, 7 days til I see the majority of my friends, and probably not until then that I'll be able to clear anything up with the other thing, either. My original stance was Wait And See, but the more elements you throw into the situation the more difficult it becomes. If I don't write again it's most likely because I have died from Acute Lack Of Patience.
Suggestions on any and all fronts are appreciated. I'll try to be good and breathe properly and not perish from anticipation of what might be :-)
Finally, Kate Bornstein's take on leaving, from Hello, Cruel World:
Everything comes to an end. What no one ever tells you is what to do after that. This is what you do: you move on and you keep moving on. It's not as bad as it sounds.
Moving on is the other side of the mountain from death and dying. It's about what you do after the dying and after the death. It's wherever life takes you after the end of something that was beautiful and important or ugly and painful in your life. Moving on is what you do after a relationship is over, whether it was a relationship with someone, something, or someplace. Moving on is about continuing your life without that physical prescence.
You choose to move on when you stop falling back into an identity that no longer works for you. It's a way you can start all over again and put all the painful or joyful good-byes in context with the hellos that always follow. How can you tell when something is over? I'm still learning that one, but usually I get the message when I feel stuck or when I'm in too much pain, and good-bye is one of the very few options left. Sure, moving on can leave you bone lonely, but most of that loneliness happens when you're lost in memories. Part of moving on successfully is learning what to leave behind.
So when do you give up on a relationship? I've got two that I'm debating about right now, one romantic and one family.
The romantic one is easier (in theory anyway) because it's not a question of whether to end things but of whether to hold out hope of reviving them. You take your time apart, get yourselves both into better mental places - and then what? If your life is better with someone in it, how high a priority do you make them? If there are foreseeable obstacles down the road, unrelated to your mutual affection, how seriously do you take them? Is it worth it to try, knowing you might not make it together? Or is it better to cut your losses and try to Just Be Friends, knowing it's "easier" to decide this now than it will be later? What happens if there's another, possibly "better" person in the picture? What exactly are you willing to potentially give up, either way?
Family. Ugh. I don't know that this one is even possible to get out of even if I wanted to. I just wrote a lovely paragraph explaining the situation as vaguely as I could while still making sense, and I just deleted it because even though about 3 people read this, it's not something I can have floating around on the internet. More questions. Can you ever forgive someone for destroying your family? Can you ever learn how to seperate who you are from the things someone else did? I am perfectly capable of smiling and discussing mundane things and making each other laugh hysterically when we visit. But I don't know if I can keep doing that my whole life. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what to do when you love the person you hate the most.
Wow. Way to be depressing with the first post of the New Year, huh? Sorry. I am going nuts with the girl situation right now as well as itching to see my friends at school. I'm housesitting (and making mad money!) for my friend's family through Sunday, then heading back to my apartment for a few weeks before I move back home indefinitely. Can't remember if I mentioned the move in the New Year's blog. So, 7 days til I see the majority of my friends, and probably not until then that I'll be able to clear anything up with the other thing, either. My original stance was Wait And See, but the more elements you throw into the situation the more difficult it becomes. If I don't write again it's most likely because I have died from Acute Lack Of Patience.
Suggestions on any and all fronts are appreciated. I'll try to be good and breathe properly and not perish from anticipation of what might be :-)
Finally, Kate Bornstein's take on leaving, from Hello, Cruel World:
Everything comes to an end. What no one ever tells you is what to do after that. This is what you do: you move on and you keep moving on. It's not as bad as it sounds.
Moving on is the other side of the mountain from death and dying. It's about what you do after the dying and after the death. It's wherever life takes you after the end of something that was beautiful and important or ugly and painful in your life. Moving on is what you do after a relationship is over, whether it was a relationship with someone, something, or someplace. Moving on is about continuing your life without that physical prescence.
You choose to move on when you stop falling back into an identity that no longer works for you. It's a way you can start all over again and put all the painful or joyful good-byes in context with the hellos that always follow. How can you tell when something is over? I'm still learning that one, but usually I get the message when I feel stuck or when I'm in too much pain, and good-bye is one of the very few options left. Sure, moving on can leave you bone lonely, but most of that loneliness happens when you're lost in memories. Part of moving on successfully is learning what to leave behind.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
And then I don't write for 6+ months and am seized by the Obligatory New Year's Eve Nostalgia
Wow.
Part of me doesn't even want to try and recap the past year, because I know I could never do it justice. Reading my New Year's Eve entry from 2008, the difference is incredible to me. 2008 was a terrible year, and I assumed that 2009 would "be better by default". I was correct, but for reasons I couldn't even imagine at the time.
This year was the first time that I attempted to live my life conciously, to actually make decisions based on what I wanted and what I hoped for. My life changed drastically, in part because I decided it needed to change. No more cutting myself. No more calling myself "stupid bitch" out loud. No more making bad choices because I didn't feel I deserved to make good ones. No more slinking about, hoping no one would notice all the things that my self-loathing convinced me to be true.
Things happened to me, and I made them happen. I held down a decent job for ten months. I lived alone for the first time in my life and found out I could do so without backsliding into the depression I feared. I biked places and rolled down hills and twirled around in floaty skirts. I fell madly, dizzyingly, beautifully in love. I filled my life with even more wonderful people, and I had to let some slip out of my life when it became unhealthy for me to have them involved. I rediscovered, in Killian, someone I am thrilled to call my best friend. I became involved with a cause and a campaign that changed everything. I knocked on doors, I dialed phones, I wandered about with a clipboard, I ran trainings for volunteers. I somehow managed to articulate my needs and feelings with words, out loud, not just in writing (sometimes). I was crushed by our electoral loss and it took 2 trips to the hospital for anxiety-related health issues to make me realize I had forgotten to take care of myself. I dusted myself off. I got up and made new plans.
So here I am. 2009 didn't include many of the things I expected it would (working at a summer camp, a triumphant return to academia) but it surpassed any expectations I could have had. The two events that stand out the most (the campaign and the fabulous girl who led me to it) are not the things that have changed the most. The most important things are my sudden willingness to step outside my comfort zone, and my gradual self-respect and sense of self-worth. I panicked, before my 20th birthday, because I never expected to make it this far. I genuinely expected to have removed myself from the world before my teenage years were over. I'm really glad that I didn't, because the person I have become over the past year is hardly recognizable as the girl I used to be. I was so sad, and so angry. I'm still struggling with some of the same issues, but my whole outlook has changed. I'm no longer trying to make myself "worthwhile" or "deserving" of my life. I'm just trying to live it, under the assumption that I'm already worthy and deserving. Breakthrough? I would say so.
I also got a tattoo this year. On my wrist are the words "I'd like to do more than survive". Visual recognition of all the growing up I've done and continue to do.
So, here we are again. It's New Year's Eve. Once again, I'm home alone at my mom's house, playing on the internet and waiting til midnight to break open the gingerbread house. I don't know if I'm actually going to continue this blog. In a way it seems narcisstic and self-serving in a way I can't justify, but I also like having an outlet. I write so much for myself that is private. Even if no one (or only one or two people) is reading this, it's nice to have the possibility there.
Okay. New Year's Goals can wait until next year. This year I did things I didn't know I could do, and become a person I hadn't realized I love. That's more than enough for me.
Peace out, 2009, it's been incredible.
Part of me doesn't even want to try and recap the past year, because I know I could never do it justice. Reading my New Year's Eve entry from 2008, the difference is incredible to me. 2008 was a terrible year, and I assumed that 2009 would "be better by default". I was correct, but for reasons I couldn't even imagine at the time.
This year was the first time that I attempted to live my life conciously, to actually make decisions based on what I wanted and what I hoped for. My life changed drastically, in part because I decided it needed to change. No more cutting myself. No more calling myself "stupid bitch" out loud. No more making bad choices because I didn't feel I deserved to make good ones. No more slinking about, hoping no one would notice all the things that my self-loathing convinced me to be true.
Things happened to me, and I made them happen. I held down a decent job for ten months. I lived alone for the first time in my life and found out I could do so without backsliding into the depression I feared. I biked places and rolled down hills and twirled around in floaty skirts. I fell madly, dizzyingly, beautifully in love. I filled my life with even more wonderful people, and I had to let some slip out of my life when it became unhealthy for me to have them involved. I rediscovered, in Killian, someone I am thrilled to call my best friend. I became involved with a cause and a campaign that changed everything. I knocked on doors, I dialed phones, I wandered about with a clipboard, I ran trainings for volunteers. I somehow managed to articulate my needs and feelings with words, out loud, not just in writing (sometimes). I was crushed by our electoral loss and it took 2 trips to the hospital for anxiety-related health issues to make me realize I had forgotten to take care of myself. I dusted myself off. I got up and made new plans.
So here I am. 2009 didn't include many of the things I expected it would (working at a summer camp, a triumphant return to academia) but it surpassed any expectations I could have had. The two events that stand out the most (the campaign and the fabulous girl who led me to it) are not the things that have changed the most. The most important things are my sudden willingness to step outside my comfort zone, and my gradual self-respect and sense of self-worth. I panicked, before my 20th birthday, because I never expected to make it this far. I genuinely expected to have removed myself from the world before my teenage years were over. I'm really glad that I didn't, because the person I have become over the past year is hardly recognizable as the girl I used to be. I was so sad, and so angry. I'm still struggling with some of the same issues, but my whole outlook has changed. I'm no longer trying to make myself "worthwhile" or "deserving" of my life. I'm just trying to live it, under the assumption that I'm already worthy and deserving. Breakthrough? I would say so.
I also got a tattoo this year. On my wrist are the words "I'd like to do more than survive". Visual recognition of all the growing up I've done and continue to do.
So, here we are again. It's New Year's Eve. Once again, I'm home alone at my mom's house, playing on the internet and waiting til midnight to break open the gingerbread house. I don't know if I'm actually going to continue this blog. In a way it seems narcisstic and self-serving in a way I can't justify, but I also like having an outlet. I write so much for myself that is private. Even if no one (or only one or two people) is reading this, it's nice to have the possibility there.
Okay. New Year's Goals can wait until next year. This year I did things I didn't know I could do, and become a person I hadn't realized I love. That's more than enough for me.
Peace out, 2009, it's been incredible.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Hi internet. Sorry I forgot about you.
So since I last posted:
I turned twenty.
I got to do some very cool political activism stuff.
It was insinuated that I and the rest of teh gays were pedophiles and Nazis.
My state legalized same-sex marriage.
I started living by myself for the first time.
I briefly thought Davey the gerbil died.
My ex-girlfriend officially became my ex-boyfriend.
I got kind of artsy and creative.
I rode my bike a lot.
I drove 5 1/2 hours to see one of the best theatre pieces I've ever seen.
I got to meet one of my favorite artists/role models in the whole wide world.
I was appointed godmother to my friends' future children.
I still have not injured myself intentionally in any way this year.
I asked that cute girl out.
We had breakfast in the park together.
My boss decided to switch my schedule so I have an extra day off every week.
I have been amazingly, unnervingly contented in my life - bordering on happiness.
I have been starting to get very worried because I've never been this continuously borderline-happy for so long, and I worry that something bad must be about to happen like it always does.
But it hasn't yet.
So I'm still, I guess, amazingly, unnervingly content.
And that's the short version of things:-)
I turned twenty.
I got to do some very cool political activism stuff.
It was insinuated that I and the rest of teh gays were pedophiles and Nazis.
My state legalized same-sex marriage.
I started living by myself for the first time.
I briefly thought Davey the gerbil died.
My ex-girlfriend officially became my ex-boyfriend.
I got kind of artsy and creative.
I rode my bike a lot.
I drove 5 1/2 hours to see one of the best theatre pieces I've ever seen.
I got to meet one of my favorite artists/role models in the whole wide world.
I was appointed godmother to my friends' future children.
I still have not injured myself intentionally in any way this year.
I asked that cute girl out.
We had breakfast in the park together.
My boss decided to switch my schedule so I have an extra day off every week.
I have been amazingly, unnervingly contented in my life - bordering on happiness.
I have been starting to get very worried because I've never been this continuously borderline-happy for so long, and I worry that something bad must be about to happen like it always does.
But it hasn't yet.
So I'm still, I guess, amazingly, unnervingly content.
And that's the short version of things:-)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
New Soul - Yael Naim
I love this song, they play it at work a lot. Sooooo happy and gets stuck in your head easily. The video is really cool, too.
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.....
I'm a young soul
In this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
La la la la la la la la la la la la la......
This is a happy end
'Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.....
I'm a young soul
In this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
La la la la la la la la la la la la la......
This is a happy end
'Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
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