And then I don't write for 6+ months and am seized by the Obligatory New Year's Eve Nostalgia

Wow.

Part of me doesn't even want to try and recap the past year, because I know I could never do it justice. Reading my New Year's Eve entry from 2008, the difference is incredible to me. 2008 was a terrible year, and I assumed that 2009 would "be better by default". I was correct, but for reasons I couldn't even imagine at the time.

This year was the first time that I attempted to live my life conciously, to actually make decisions based on what I wanted and what I hoped for. My life changed drastically, in part because I decided it needed to change. No more cutting myself. No more calling myself "stupid bitch" out loud. No more making bad choices because I didn't feel I deserved to make good ones. No more slinking about, hoping no one would notice all the things that my self-loathing convinced me to be true.

Things happened to me, and I made them happen. I held down a decent job for ten months. I lived alone for the first time in my life and found out I could do so without backsliding into the depression I feared. I biked places and rolled down hills and twirled around in floaty skirts. I fell madly, dizzyingly, beautifully in love. I filled my life with even more wonderful people, and I had to let some slip out of my life when it became unhealthy for me to have them involved. I rediscovered, in Killian, someone I am thrilled to call my best friend. I became involved with a cause and a campaign that changed everything. I knocked on doors, I dialed phones, I wandered about with a clipboard, I ran trainings for volunteers. I somehow managed to articulate my needs and feelings with words, out loud, not just in writing (sometimes). I was crushed by our electoral loss and it took 2 trips to the hospital for anxiety-related health issues to make me realize I had forgotten to take care of myself. I dusted myself off. I got up and made new plans.

So here I am. 2009 didn't include many of the things I expected it would (working at a summer camp, a triumphant return to academia) but it surpassed any expectations I could have had. The two events that stand out the most (the campaign and the fabulous girl who led me to it) are not the things that have changed the most. The most important things are my sudden willingness to step outside my comfort zone, and my gradual self-respect and sense of self-worth. I panicked, before my 20th birthday, because I never expected to make it this far. I genuinely expected to have removed myself from the world before my teenage years were over. I'm really glad that I didn't, because the person I have become over the past year is hardly recognizable as the girl I used to be. I was so sad, and so angry. I'm still struggling with some of the same issues, but my whole outlook has changed. I'm no longer trying to make myself "worthwhile" or "deserving" of my life. I'm just trying to live it, under the assumption that I'm already worthy and deserving. Breakthrough? I would say so.

I also got a tattoo this year. On my wrist are the words "I'd like to do more than survive". Visual recognition of all the growing up I've done and continue to do.

So, here we are again. It's New Year's Eve. Once again, I'm home alone at my mom's house, playing on the internet and waiting til midnight to break open the gingerbread house. I don't know if I'm actually going to continue this blog. In a way it seems narcisstic and self-serving in a way I can't justify, but I also like having an outlet. I write so much for myself that is private. Even if no one (or only one or two people) is reading this, it's nice to have the possibility there.

Okay. New Year's Goals can wait until next year. This year I did things I didn't know I could do, and become a person I hadn't realized I love. That's more than enough for me.

Peace out, 2009, it's been incredible.