Stay small

I know you'll grow
But I wish I knew you'd stay small
If I said so
Please just don't grow
Please just don't grow
Stay small
Won't you stay small
- The Receiving End Of Sirens, "Stay Small"



So a few weeks ago I had a terrifying thought. I'm 19, and not planning on having biological children (ever ever ever - I have a horror of childbirth). I want to adopt older children through the foster care system, and I planning on starting my foster care training when I'm 28, 29, 30-ish. So it occurred to me not long ago, that my kids may already be born.
I might have kids. They might be alive already. Somewhere on this planet. Already. Even though I won't know they're my kids for another ten years. They're still mine. And they might be there already.
Crazy.

So, I'm mentioning this because I had a strange reaction to the movie An American Crime the other night. I watched it with Thing One and Thing Two, two of my awesome roommates who are a couple and kind of inseparable, hence the choice of blog name - which might change if I come up with something better. First of all, the movie is harsh - I seriously hope anyone who watches it knows exactly what they're getting into. I did, and I still had a hard time with it.
The movie tells the true story of Sylvia Likens, a teenager who was imprisoned in a basement and tortured by a woman who was supposed to be taking care of her. Ellen Page has the lead role and is amazing as always - though I do wonder, between this and Hard Candy, if she has some demons she's trying to work through. I might be completely off, but it's just a thought.
Anyway - well done movie, but I'd be cautious recommending it to people unless they understand how upsetting some of the content is. Thing Two had nightmares. It's harsh.

When we got to the end of the film, though, my reaction was kind of interesting, at least to me. It definitely brought up some baddy bad stuff from my past, but more than that - I wanted my kids. I was sad and scared that they're out there, going through whatever they're going to have to go through in order to wind up in foster care and then eventually with me. The state doesn't take kids away from their families just for kicks and giggles - they take kids away when things are too bad to ignore. They take kids away from their families because they're being beaten, or starved, or left alone for days, or molested. You do not go into foster care without a fair amount of damage having already occurred.
And that's why I've always wanted to adopt older foster children - to give some hope for healing that damage, to try and make things better for someone. But I can't stand thinking that I'm here, living my own young adult still mostly teenage college life, and my kids are out there somewhere going through some kind of hell. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, even though that's obviously the situation. I almost feel guilty, as though my wanting foster children is somehow responsible for their situation - even though abuse and neglect happen every day, all over the country and the world. I know that I'm going to be doing a good thing, when I eventually get my licensing, that I'm going to do my best to give a child the best possible shot at life they can, especially when they've already had a rough start.

But still - last night, I wanted nothing more than to find my kiddos, wherever they are, and just hug them and hold them and tell them everything is going to be okay.