Moderation is not an easy concept for most people under the age of 40

So in these early first weeks of 2009 I have been trying to make some changes. The job hunt continues, I had one interview for a cashier position that didn't pan out, but that's alright. Rent and utilities are paid for, the gerbil has food and bedding, all is well on the home front. I'm looking into getting back to school next fall, and looking for a summer camp job in the meantime. One thing that has become glaringly obvious to me at this point is that I do not deal well if I'm not busy, or at least somewhat preoccupied. I like having stuff to do. Preferrably lots of stuff. Preferrably lots of stuff that I really like. I'm hoping that as soon as I have a job and a set schedule, I can arrange to start volunteering at both the local women's shelter and the local humane society. Because what I've noticed, albeit belatedly, is that if I don't occupy my time with things to do, I occupy it with people. Which is really, really not a good idea.

I think it's safe to say that I have some trust issues that need to be dealt with. But it's hard to sort through your trust issues when you're not having healthy relationships to begin with. If your relationships are all you have, and your happiness is completely dependent on other people - you are so beyond screwed that it's not even funny. This is how I destroyed my first relationship (well, that and the fact that we probably should have stayed Just Friends from the beginning), and this is how I've messed up a lot of friendships. Unfortunately, once I realized what I was doing, my immediate response was to haul butt in the opposite direction. I wanted to be a hermit! I figured if I cut myself off from my friends as much as humanly possible, all my problems would be solved!

Um, no. This was essentially the emotional equivalent of overcorrecting the wheel when your car skids across ice: you end up crashing anyway. (That may be the most New England metaphor ever.) Anyway, it's what I've been trying to do for the past month or so, and it's not helped! I think it's actually confused and maybe hurt some friends, and it's kept me at a level state of misery. So I guess now I'm going to take a hint from the fabulous Kate Bornstein and learn moderation in all things. Ommmm.

I guess most of what I've just said makes it sound like things are going badly, but that's not really the case. I am a work in progress. My life is a work in progress. I have some pretty not-fun obstacles to deal with, and I'm not even twenty yet. I'm doing what I can with what I've got. And sometimes what I've got doesn't look too bad at all.