Employment + still no computer

Still no regular computer access, however - I got a job!!! The job itself isn't exciting, but the fact that I can continue to pay rent and indulge myself in the life I have become accustomed to is awesome. I hope to post something more interesting later in the week.

Inauguration '09

My friend Pooky was there in Washington today, waiting on the Mall since 5:30 A.M. My mom and I watched on the T.V. in our living room, and she laughed at me when I stood for the swearing-in of both Vice President Biden and President Obama. I am so hopeful, and so relieved, and so excited, and so proud to be an American.

Most of my growing up and most of my political awareness has come during the Bush years. I had no memory of fair elections until this year. I remember "Indecision 2000", with Jon Stewart sheepishly saying "You know, when we came up with that name, we were kidding." I remember my dad staying up late to watch the recounts and Supreme Court deliberations, pacing and swearing. I remember understanding vaguely that something wrong had happened. I remember being 12 years old on 9/11, standing by a lake with a friend, kicking rocks and expecting, in my limited understanding of war, gunfire from the hills at any moment. I remember nothing so much as the feeling of defeat the pervaded my concept of politics, the idea that no one was listening and nothing was changing.

Barack Obama was not my first choice for President in 2008. My dad and I both supported Hillary Clinton, me because I figured Obama needed more experience, my dad because he did not feel a black man could ever gain the public support needed to win. "It's not that I don't think he'd do a good job," my dad would explain. "It's just that there's too much racism left over. Guys like me, we were raised different. I don't have anything against the guy, but I'd have a hard time voting for him. I think a lot of people still feel that way. He won't be able to change people's prejuidices. Maybe someday."

I wish my dad had been healthy enough to be a delegate at our state's Democratic Convention last summer like he planned. I wish he had made it to see Obama chosen as the Democratic nominee. I wish he'd been around to see the circus that was McCain's VP choice. I wish he had been here to vote one last time, and I wish I could have called him on November 4th to celebrate. I wish he were here today, to see that he was wrong. "Someday" came early.

My dad may not have lived to see a black man become President of the United States, but he only missed it by a matter of months. His skepticism fueled my optimism in 2008, and I am proud that change, and the promise of change, came when it did. I don't expect Obama to singlehandedly create world peace, reverse global warming or fix the economy. What I expect from him is to give others what he has given me for the first time I can remember: the feeling that someone is listening, that people can make a difference, that the right thing can be done.

I found this slogan online somewhere:

"Rosa sat so that Martin could walk, Martin walked so that Barack could run, Barack ran so that our children could fly."

I miss you, Daddy. You would have liked this. You would have been surprised. You would have been proud.

Since I can't figure out how to say what I want to say, I will just point out that...

If you spend an hour curled up in a ball crying and telling your mom that you're never ever dating ever again because your one, three-months-long romantic relationship proved to you that you are just not cut out for that sort of thing and anyway you can be happy on your own since your old unmarried aunts are happy and also it's not like you need someone else to have children or pets or whatever...she will be understandably confused the next day when you ask if she'll make your wedding dress for you when you get married.


Just sayin'.

Moderation is not an easy concept for most people under the age of 40

So in these early first weeks of 2009 I have been trying to make some changes. The job hunt continues, I had one interview for a cashier position that didn't pan out, but that's alright. Rent and utilities are paid for, the gerbil has food and bedding, all is well on the home front. I'm looking into getting back to school next fall, and looking for a summer camp job in the meantime. One thing that has become glaringly obvious to me at this point is that I do not deal well if I'm not busy, or at least somewhat preoccupied. I like having stuff to do. Preferrably lots of stuff. Preferrably lots of stuff that I really like. I'm hoping that as soon as I have a job and a set schedule, I can arrange to start volunteering at both the local women's shelter and the local humane society. Because what I've noticed, albeit belatedly, is that if I don't occupy my time with things to do, I occupy it with people. Which is really, really not a good idea.

I think it's safe to say that I have some trust issues that need to be dealt with. But it's hard to sort through your trust issues when you're not having healthy relationships to begin with. If your relationships are all you have, and your happiness is completely dependent on other people - you are so beyond screwed that it's not even funny. This is how I destroyed my first relationship (well, that and the fact that we probably should have stayed Just Friends from the beginning), and this is how I've messed up a lot of friendships. Unfortunately, once I realized what I was doing, my immediate response was to haul butt in the opposite direction. I wanted to be a hermit! I figured if I cut myself off from my friends as much as humanly possible, all my problems would be solved!

Um, no. This was essentially the emotional equivalent of overcorrecting the wheel when your car skids across ice: you end up crashing anyway. (That may be the most New England metaphor ever.) Anyway, it's what I've been trying to do for the past month or so, and it's not helped! I think it's actually confused and maybe hurt some friends, and it's kept me at a level state of misery. So I guess now I'm going to take a hint from the fabulous Kate Bornstein and learn moderation in all things. Ommmm.

I guess most of what I've just said makes it sound like things are going badly, but that's not really the case. I am a work in progress. My life is a work in progress. I have some pretty not-fun obstacles to deal with, and I'm not even twenty yet. I'm doing what I can with what I've got. And sometimes what I've got doesn't look too bad at all.

Why I don't date

"I got troubled thoughts
And a self esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch"
- Fall Out Boy


Yeah, that basically sums it up.

New blog, better labels.

Well that was easy.
Blogger is freaking awesome.

The power of words

So I think I am going to start a new blog and import everything from this one over to it. The only thing wrong with this one is the title (which I can change) and the web address (which I can't). "Nothing Worth Repeating", a blog run by "Just some girl; no one of consequence". I know at the time I was trying to come up with the most generic labels possible because I'm paranoid about the internet. Somehow, though, I ended up with labels that were negative and oppressing.

If I'm writing something down and posting it for the world to see, obviously it is worth repeating. And just because I'm trying to be anonymous doesn't mean I'm not of consequence.

I do think I will make a real attempt to write more. I'd just like to do it under a more positive name. Putting myself down and dismissing my own thoughts isn't doing anyone any favors, certainly not me.

Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking.

(9 days into 2009 without any physical self-injury, prolonged angst, and minimal verbal put-downs. Woooooooooooooot!)

And time at home marches on.

You wouldn't think one could get cramps in one's wrists from playing this, but you would be mistaken.


Owwwwwwww.

Thursday Thirteen - Non-Resolutions That I Want To Accomplish In 2009

1. Get crappy entry-level job doing whatever for the next few months.
2. Get a job as a summer camp counselor, double plus bonus points if it involves teaching horseback riding.
3. Get readmitted to school and the social work program for next fall.
4. Write my book, preferrably in the next 4 months.
5. Volunteer at the local women's shelter.
6. Volunteer at the local humane society.
7. Take 12 or 15 credits in the fall and get a B or better in all classes.
8. Become a feline foster parent for the humane society.
9. Get a less crappy job for the school year.
10. Get back into therapy.
11. Work on positive behavioral goals for myself, such as "I will communicate my feelings" and "I will deal with uncertainty in a healthy way".
12. Be a better friend and spend more time with people I care about.
13. Try to combine all of these things into the feeling that I am a functioning person who matters.