And then I don't write for 6+ months and am seized by the Obligatory New Year's Eve Nostalgia

Wow.

Part of me doesn't even want to try and recap the past year, because I know I could never do it justice. Reading my New Year's Eve entry from 2008, the difference is incredible to me. 2008 was a terrible year, and I assumed that 2009 would "be better by default". I was correct, but for reasons I couldn't even imagine at the time.

This year was the first time that I attempted to live my life conciously, to actually make decisions based on what I wanted and what I hoped for. My life changed drastically, in part because I decided it needed to change. No more cutting myself. No more calling myself "stupid bitch" out loud. No more making bad choices because I didn't feel I deserved to make good ones. No more slinking about, hoping no one would notice all the things that my self-loathing convinced me to be true.

Things happened to me, and I made them happen. I held down a decent job for ten months. I lived alone for the first time in my life and found out I could do so without backsliding into the depression I feared. I biked places and rolled down hills and twirled around in floaty skirts. I fell madly, dizzyingly, beautifully in love. I filled my life with even more wonderful people, and I had to let some slip out of my life when it became unhealthy for me to have them involved. I rediscovered, in Killian, someone I am thrilled to call my best friend. I became involved with a cause and a campaign that changed everything. I knocked on doors, I dialed phones, I wandered about with a clipboard, I ran trainings for volunteers. I somehow managed to articulate my needs and feelings with words, out loud, not just in writing (sometimes). I was crushed by our electoral loss and it took 2 trips to the hospital for anxiety-related health issues to make me realize I had forgotten to take care of myself. I dusted myself off. I got up and made new plans.

So here I am. 2009 didn't include many of the things I expected it would (working at a summer camp, a triumphant return to academia) but it surpassed any expectations I could have had. The two events that stand out the most (the campaign and the fabulous girl who led me to it) are not the things that have changed the most. The most important things are my sudden willingness to step outside my comfort zone, and my gradual self-respect and sense of self-worth. I panicked, before my 20th birthday, because I never expected to make it this far. I genuinely expected to have removed myself from the world before my teenage years were over. I'm really glad that I didn't, because the person I have become over the past year is hardly recognizable as the girl I used to be. I was so sad, and so angry. I'm still struggling with some of the same issues, but my whole outlook has changed. I'm no longer trying to make myself "worthwhile" or "deserving" of my life. I'm just trying to live it, under the assumption that I'm already worthy and deserving. Breakthrough? I would say so.

I also got a tattoo this year. On my wrist are the words "I'd like to do more than survive". Visual recognition of all the growing up I've done and continue to do.

So, here we are again. It's New Year's Eve. Once again, I'm home alone at my mom's house, playing on the internet and waiting til midnight to break open the gingerbread house. I don't know if I'm actually going to continue this blog. In a way it seems narcisstic and self-serving in a way I can't justify, but I also like having an outlet. I write so much for myself that is private. Even if no one (or only one or two people) is reading this, it's nice to have the possibility there.

Okay. New Year's Goals can wait until next year. This year I did things I didn't know I could do, and become a person I hadn't realized I love. That's more than enough for me.

Peace out, 2009, it's been incredible.

Hi internet. Sorry I forgot about you.

So since I last posted:

I turned twenty.
I got to do some very cool political activism stuff.
It was insinuated that I and the rest of teh gays were pedophiles and Nazis.
My state legalized same-sex marriage.
I started living by myself for the first time.
I briefly thought Davey the gerbil died.
My ex-girlfriend officially became my ex-boyfriend.
I got kind of artsy and creative.
I rode my bike a lot.
I drove 5 1/2 hours to see one of the best theatre pieces I've ever seen.
I got to meet one of my favorite artists/role models in the whole wide world.
I was appointed godmother to my friends' future children.
I still have not injured myself intentionally in any way this year.
I asked that cute girl out.
We had breakfast in the park together.
My boss decided to switch my schedule so I have an extra day off every week.
I have been amazingly, unnervingly contented in my life - bordering on happiness.
I have been starting to get very worried because I've never been this continuously borderline-happy for so long, and I worry that something bad must be about to happen like it always does.
But it hasn't yet.
So I'm still, I guess, amazingly, unnervingly content.


And that's the short version of things:-)

New Soul - Yael Naim

I love this song, they play it at work a lot. Sooooo happy and gets stuck in your head easily. The video is really cool, too.


I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.....

I'm a young soul
In this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
La la la la la la la la la la la la la......

This is a happy end
'Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

I have 13 minutes left on the library computer

I like the soundtrack to company and being able to live in my apartment and getting along with Killian and agreeing with people that we loathe the same other people and I like wearing my hair in braids and I love the public library especially using their computers and I'm happy for my friends who are doing cool things where there lives like going on exchange programs in Mexico for spring break and I like West Wing marathons with Pooky and I like making sandwiches and I like animals and sleeping and reading and cute new shirts from Old Navy and I like my car when it works and I also like taking long walks just because.

I do not like my car making terrible horrible noises whenever I rotate the wheel and I do not like spending the $300 it will take to fix the problem and I really don't like that I probably need to spend another $300 on the same problem on the opposite side of the car really soon and I like having time off but I don't like when my car breaks down right before the two consecutive days off when I was going to visit my mom but now I can't but on the other hand I don't need to go to work so that's something, and I don't like talking on the phone, and I really really really don't like when my checks bounce but thankfully that's almost completely fixed and I don't like that the library computers have a 30 minute time limit, but I'll take what I can get, and I have 6 minutes to go so I'm gonna go check facebook now and write more tomorrow.

And I like cute girls, dislike not being brave enough to ask them out, but still, I'm making some progress.

Hope life is going swimmingly for everyone else, because mine, overall, is pretty damn nice.

Absence & school concerns....

I hate not having a computer I can just whip out and post on. There is something wrong with my laptop that keeps causing it to freeze, which means that until I get it fixed (which I have been meaning to do for months) I am stuck using the computer cluster at school or using my mom's computer at home. Since I only visit my mom every few weeks (she's about two hours away from my apartment), that leaves the computer cluster. I feel really weird blogging from a public area. Not that I'm writing anything secretive, but it's hard to just write when you're in a cubicle with three strangers. Or at least I find it to be so.

My job. Okay, I got a job. Hurray! I'm working at the deli in a local grocery store. It's not too bad, and it pays better than cashiering, which is what I originally applied for. The only thing I really don't like is not knowing what/where everything is yet. But hopefully that will come with time. I've only been there a few weeks and I already know a lot more than when I started. The plan is to work there until sometime in May. Hopefully by then I will have a summer camp position lined up.

I am scheduling an appointment to meet with my advisor next week. I am really nervous. I very much want to go back to school in the fall, but I'm worried that I will mess up somehow. How am I supposed to reassure the school that I'm ready to come back, when I'm not even sure that I am?

I'm not the first freshman to have trouble adjusting to college life. I'm not the first student to come to school with a suitcase full of trauma and mental health issues. I'm not the first kid to have a parent become ill. I'm not the first person to be too scared to ask for help. I'm not the first one to get in way over my head. On an intellectual level, I know all of this. But there's still a part of me that feels I should have "just gotten over it" and "handled it". I'm probably not the only one who thinks that, either. And maybe it would have been okay if I'd somehow tried harder or if I had asked for help. But the reality is that I didn't just get over it, and I didn't handle it. And now I still have to figure out how to move forward anyway.

I think the biggest thing I am afraid of is that instead of saying "These were the issues, they're still there, but I'm coping now", I'll revert into doing what got me into trouble in the first place, pretending everything is okay and telling people what they want to hear. That I'll say "Oh, I had some trouble adjusting, and then my dad got sick, but then I took some time off and he died and I Learned About Responsibility and now it's fine." Bullshit. It's not fine. Just because I want more than anything for it to be fine does not make it so.

Did I learn things in my year off? Yes. But I don't think I learned how to make my problems go away. I think I just learned what they are. And while that may be the first step in the process, it is still one heck of a process.

I don't know how to say all of that in a way that will make the school let me come back in the fall.

Employment + still no computer

Still no regular computer access, however - I got a job!!! The job itself isn't exciting, but the fact that I can continue to pay rent and indulge myself in the life I have become accustomed to is awesome. I hope to post something more interesting later in the week.

Inauguration '09

My friend Pooky was there in Washington today, waiting on the Mall since 5:30 A.M. My mom and I watched on the T.V. in our living room, and she laughed at me when I stood for the swearing-in of both Vice President Biden and President Obama. I am so hopeful, and so relieved, and so excited, and so proud to be an American.

Most of my growing up and most of my political awareness has come during the Bush years. I had no memory of fair elections until this year. I remember "Indecision 2000", with Jon Stewart sheepishly saying "You know, when we came up with that name, we were kidding." I remember my dad staying up late to watch the recounts and Supreme Court deliberations, pacing and swearing. I remember understanding vaguely that something wrong had happened. I remember being 12 years old on 9/11, standing by a lake with a friend, kicking rocks and expecting, in my limited understanding of war, gunfire from the hills at any moment. I remember nothing so much as the feeling of defeat the pervaded my concept of politics, the idea that no one was listening and nothing was changing.

Barack Obama was not my first choice for President in 2008. My dad and I both supported Hillary Clinton, me because I figured Obama needed more experience, my dad because he did not feel a black man could ever gain the public support needed to win. "It's not that I don't think he'd do a good job," my dad would explain. "It's just that there's too much racism left over. Guys like me, we were raised different. I don't have anything against the guy, but I'd have a hard time voting for him. I think a lot of people still feel that way. He won't be able to change people's prejuidices. Maybe someday."

I wish my dad had been healthy enough to be a delegate at our state's Democratic Convention last summer like he planned. I wish he had made it to see Obama chosen as the Democratic nominee. I wish he'd been around to see the circus that was McCain's VP choice. I wish he had been here to vote one last time, and I wish I could have called him on November 4th to celebrate. I wish he were here today, to see that he was wrong. "Someday" came early.

My dad may not have lived to see a black man become President of the United States, but he only missed it by a matter of months. His skepticism fueled my optimism in 2008, and I am proud that change, and the promise of change, came when it did. I don't expect Obama to singlehandedly create world peace, reverse global warming or fix the economy. What I expect from him is to give others what he has given me for the first time I can remember: the feeling that someone is listening, that people can make a difference, that the right thing can be done.

I found this slogan online somewhere:

"Rosa sat so that Martin could walk, Martin walked so that Barack could run, Barack ran so that our children could fly."

I miss you, Daddy. You would have liked this. You would have been surprised. You would have been proud.

Since I can't figure out how to say what I want to say, I will just point out that...

If you spend an hour curled up in a ball crying and telling your mom that you're never ever dating ever again because your one, three-months-long romantic relationship proved to you that you are just not cut out for that sort of thing and anyway you can be happy on your own since your old unmarried aunts are happy and also it's not like you need someone else to have children or pets or whatever...she will be understandably confused the next day when you ask if she'll make your wedding dress for you when you get married.


Just sayin'.

Moderation is not an easy concept for most people under the age of 40

So in these early first weeks of 2009 I have been trying to make some changes. The job hunt continues, I had one interview for a cashier position that didn't pan out, but that's alright. Rent and utilities are paid for, the gerbil has food and bedding, all is well on the home front. I'm looking into getting back to school next fall, and looking for a summer camp job in the meantime. One thing that has become glaringly obvious to me at this point is that I do not deal well if I'm not busy, or at least somewhat preoccupied. I like having stuff to do. Preferrably lots of stuff. Preferrably lots of stuff that I really like. I'm hoping that as soon as I have a job and a set schedule, I can arrange to start volunteering at both the local women's shelter and the local humane society. Because what I've noticed, albeit belatedly, is that if I don't occupy my time with things to do, I occupy it with people. Which is really, really not a good idea.

I think it's safe to say that I have some trust issues that need to be dealt with. But it's hard to sort through your trust issues when you're not having healthy relationships to begin with. If your relationships are all you have, and your happiness is completely dependent on other people - you are so beyond screwed that it's not even funny. This is how I destroyed my first relationship (well, that and the fact that we probably should have stayed Just Friends from the beginning), and this is how I've messed up a lot of friendships. Unfortunately, once I realized what I was doing, my immediate response was to haul butt in the opposite direction. I wanted to be a hermit! I figured if I cut myself off from my friends as much as humanly possible, all my problems would be solved!

Um, no. This was essentially the emotional equivalent of overcorrecting the wheel when your car skids across ice: you end up crashing anyway. (That may be the most New England metaphor ever.) Anyway, it's what I've been trying to do for the past month or so, and it's not helped! I think it's actually confused and maybe hurt some friends, and it's kept me at a level state of misery. So I guess now I'm going to take a hint from the fabulous Kate Bornstein and learn moderation in all things. Ommmm.

I guess most of what I've just said makes it sound like things are going badly, but that's not really the case. I am a work in progress. My life is a work in progress. I have some pretty not-fun obstacles to deal with, and I'm not even twenty yet. I'm doing what I can with what I've got. And sometimes what I've got doesn't look too bad at all.

Why I don't date

"I got troubled thoughts
And a self esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch"
- Fall Out Boy


Yeah, that basically sums it up.

New blog, better labels.

Well that was easy.
Blogger is freaking awesome.

The power of words

So I think I am going to start a new blog and import everything from this one over to it. The only thing wrong with this one is the title (which I can change) and the web address (which I can't). "Nothing Worth Repeating", a blog run by "Just some girl; no one of consequence". I know at the time I was trying to come up with the most generic labels possible because I'm paranoid about the internet. Somehow, though, I ended up with labels that were negative and oppressing.

If I'm writing something down and posting it for the world to see, obviously it is worth repeating. And just because I'm trying to be anonymous doesn't mean I'm not of consequence.

I do think I will make a real attempt to write more. I'd just like to do it under a more positive name. Putting myself down and dismissing my own thoughts isn't doing anyone any favors, certainly not me.

Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking.

(9 days into 2009 without any physical self-injury, prolonged angst, and minimal verbal put-downs. Woooooooooooooot!)

And time at home marches on.

You wouldn't think one could get cramps in one's wrists from playing this, but you would be mistaken.


Owwwwwwww.

Thursday Thirteen - Non-Resolutions That I Want To Accomplish In 2009

1. Get crappy entry-level job doing whatever for the next few months.
2. Get a job as a summer camp counselor, double plus bonus points if it involves teaching horseback riding.
3. Get readmitted to school and the social work program for next fall.
4. Write my book, preferrably in the next 4 months.
5. Volunteer at the local women's shelter.
6. Volunteer at the local humane society.
7. Take 12 or 15 credits in the fall and get a B or better in all classes.
8. Become a feline foster parent for the humane society.
9. Get a less crappy job for the school year.
10. Get back into therapy.
11. Work on positive behavioral goals for myself, such as "I will communicate my feelings" and "I will deal with uncertainty in a healthy way".
12. Be a better friend and spend more time with people I care about.
13. Try to combine all of these things into the feeling that I am a functioning person who matters.