New Years Non-Resolutions

I'm not really doing New Years Resolutions, mostly because everything that would be a resolution is part of a larger plan that has been shaping up over the past few months. Plus it seems as though people forget their resolutions by the middle of January, which kind of defeats the point.

This year earns a nice, extremely close second in the competition for My Personal Worst Year Ever, so I'm basically operating under the assumption that 2009 will be better by default. "Better by default" kind of implies, though, that things will "not be quite as terrible", so I'd prefer to go above and beyond terrible and shoot for "awesome". Because of the way my brain works, I'm not really expecting awesome, but there has to be some sort of middle ground I can be satisfied with.

2008 had a lot of changes that I either didn't have control over, or that happened as the result of my bad decision making, or somewhere in between. A combination of depression and pride got the best of me and resulted in my suspension from school. I had my first, not particularly healthy, probably-should-never-have-happened relationship and the subsequent break-up. (And the subsequent post-break-up sex. Twice. Which of course made the actual break-up bit harder to deal with.) My living situation changed multiple times for multiple reasons. My dad died, which was especially hard because we did not always have a good relationship. I spent the majority of the year feeling like I was spinning, or worse.

I'm not saying everything about this year was bad, but a lot was. Enough that I'm going to do whatever I can to make this year a positive one. Because in 2008, the bad stuff more than outweighed the good, and that's not much of an incentive to keep on going. So this year I hope to take control and responsibility for myself so that my actions can have some better consequences.

I'll post about some of my plans tomorrow, but the big thing I wanted to mention is communication. I am a HORRIBLE communicator. I don't like letting people know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want or what I need. Even when I want to explain myself, I find I usually don't know how. It's incredibly frustrating for everyone. Example: I can be a fairly huggy, demonstrative person, but I also have times when I do not. like. to be touched. At all, by anyone, unless they ask first and I say yes. But the majority of people around me don't know this, because I don't tell them. I don't tell them because I don't want to seem weird or unfriendly. But because people don't know, they touch me anyway. And then I sit very still and grit my teeth and feel extremely uncomfortable while a friend hugs me; or a friend touches my arm and I jerk away or fling myself off a chair, and they have no idea why.

The whole thing sucks for everyone, because it results in either me feeling upset because someone is doing something to me that I don't want, or it results in a friend feeling upset because I've just been rude and strange for no apparent reason. The whole thing could be resolved if I asked my friends "Sometimes I get kind of weird about physical stuff, could you please ask before you touch me?", or if, when the situation came up, I said something like "Hey, I'm not really having a huggy day - it's nothing personal."

So yeah. Communicating better is one of my top priorities for 2009. Not because it's 2009, but just because it needs to happen. I'll post more about other goals tomorrow, but right now I'm going to get something to eat, take my dogs outside, and probably read some more blogs. Maybe watch an episode of House, or better yet, The Triplets Of Belleville, which I have wanted to see for a while now. Oh! And I get to open the gingerbread house that my mom and I made with our friends. Every year we make a house, every year it gets opened either Christmas Eve or New Years Eve, depending on how much patience we have. This is the first New Years I've been alone, but it's shaping up pretty well, I think. Animals, the internet, foreign films, gingerbread and candy - I could do a lot worse.

Three cheers for New Years:-)

Stress

So I am stressed out recently, in the way that you demonstrate by pretending nothing is wrong and distracting yourself, rather than acknowledge your brain is making you crazy. I'm home with my mom for a while, which is nifty, and I'm in the process of moving from one apartment to another. They're only about a mile apart, and the new one is a little more expensive, but it means I don't have to live with my ex anymore, which is good because that was stressing me out more than anything else in the universe. So I guess I should be happy that my #1 stressor is not going to be an issue anymore.

Except:
I'm stressed about having to rent a UHaul or take a chance with my dad's crazy old pickup truck.
I'm stressed because I don't want my mom to see what a disaster the old apartment is.
I'm stressed because the lock on the new apartment doesn't open unless you click your heels and say "Open sesame" and jiggle the lock to the left for 8 hours, and I don't want to deal with that tomorrow.
I'm stressed because my old roommates can't afford rent without a 4th roommate, and I feel bad putting them in that position, even though it's necessary for my sanity.
I'm stressed because I don't know what's going to happen between me and my ex now.
I'm stressed because I don't want my new roommate to know I'm a nutjob.
I'm stressed because I'm on academic suspension and have to talk to the dean of my college and go through the whole admissions process again.
I'm stressed because I'm worried about finding a job.
I'm stressed because I'm already starting to forget what things looked like in the house I grew up in.
I'm stressed because I'm scared I'm going to screw up all my plans for myself.
I'm stressed because I'm worried that I don't deserve anything good anyway.
And mostly I'm stressed because my depression makes me stressed, and I really should do something about that sometime. Hmm.


Having said all that, my rottie mix is curled up in an armchair, passed out, and my hound mix is stretched out across the couch, completely covered by a blanket I put on him an hour ago. Only his nose and his front paws are sticking out. So there may be hope for the world, yet.


Moral of the story: Life is stressful, but as long as you have this, things will seem managable.

40 degrees

Why is it 1:30 AM and only 40 degrees outside? Why didn't I have to put mittens or a winter coat on to walk the dogs? How come my horses don't need their blankets for the first night in a month? Why is my formerly tundra-like paddock turning slushy and brown? It's winter, goddammit, what the fuck?

What are you doing, New England, you sneaky creature?

Available...

Available: 19-year-old female looking for full- or part-time employment. 3 years experience shoveling stalls, babying horses and bossing bratty kids around. Loves animals, likes kids unless they're annoying, likes adults unless they're annoying and/or condescending. Good at faking politeness even if you deserve to be smacked upside the head. Excellent references. Multiple facial piercings but owns at least one nice shirt. Openly queer and knows she can't be fired for it. Likes physical labor / can climb ladders and lift heavy things. Doesn't mind custodial work. Can count. Feels fairly confident she could operate a cash register and scanner if someone showed her how.
For more information contact that hippie that hangs out in the basement of the Union.




[I really wish I could actually submit this.]

Rhett Miller - Question

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG.


[There are so many more productive things I could be doing....]


Someday somebody's gonna ask you a question that you should say yes to...

*Swoon.*

Mayday Parade - Jamie All Over

Jamie All Over - Mayday Parade


I had a dream last night
We drove out to see Las Vegas
We lost ourselves in the bright lights
I wish you could have seen us
Begging for change to get home
Or at least San Francisco
Let's put a ten on the high card
And spend a summer on the West Coast

Down and to the left
(Here's the map and the pen; the place you pointed at)
Be California's best
(All I ask, all I ask)

And please don't tell me that I'm dreaming
When all I ever wanted was to
Dream another sunset with you
If I roll over when it's over
I'll take this Cali sunrise with me
And wake up with the fondest memories

We made love by the ocean
As the waves crashed around you
Sunsets never were so bright
And the skies never so blue
You opened up into my arms
And we laughed as I held you
I'll never go back to Georgia
Not at least till I have to

Down and to the left
(Here's the map and the pen; the place you pointed at)
Be California's best
(All I ask, all I ask)

And please don't tell me that I'm dreaming
When all I ever wanted was to
Dream another sunset with you
If I roll over when it's over
I'll take this Cali sunrise with me
And wake up with the fondest memories
Memories

I had a dream last night
We drove out to see Las Vegas
We lost ourselves in the bright lights

And please don't tell me that I'm dreaming
When all I ever wanted was to
Dream another sunset with you
If I roll over when it's over
I'll take this Cali sunrise with me
And wake up with the fondest memories

We made love by the ocean
As the waves crashed around you
(Memories)
Sunsets never were so bright
And the skies never so blue
(Memories)
You opened up into my arms
And we laughed as I held you
(Memories)
I'll never go back to Georgia
Not at least till I have to

Down and to the left

Quote of the day - 11/26/08

"There isn't a train I wouldn't take, no matter where it's going."
- Edna St. Vincent Millay



I just happened upon this quote and liked it, so imagine my surprise when I wiki'd Edna St. Vincent Millay and found out she was a Maine-born, bisexual poet. So much awesomeness before the 1950s! I love random learning!

Would you...

Would you still love me if I shaved my head? If I pierced my lip? If I lost weight, or gained it? Would you be attracted to me if I didn't look like me? What if I told you what I look like now isn't me? Would you think I was cute if I wore boys' clothing? If I wore dresses and makeup and flirted and twirled? If I taped down my chest and tried to lower my voice? If I said "fuck it" and just wore what I wanted to?

Would you still want to be my friend if you knew what a geek I am? How about hippie? Wannabe-goth-punk-emo-whatever? Would you want to be around me at my most hyperactive? At my most depressed? Would you want to be with me if you knew that sometimes I really really really want to be boring? Would you be able to accept that sometimes I don't want what's best for me, or that sometimes I don't know what I want at all?

Would you respect me even after you realized I really do panic at the thought of doing simple math problems in front of people, or that I actually like the way my scars look? Would you be proud of me even if I didn't graduate on time, or even at all? If I didn't write my books? Would you help me when I'm too stubborn or scared to ask? Would you hold me if I were scared, and would you know that's all I really want? Could you make the world stop spinning, even for a few minutes? If I wanted to run away and be somebody else, would you go with me? If I never wanted to leave here, would you stay with me? If I tried something and didn't succeed right away, would you know I was trying? Would it matter? Would it matter enough? Would you see through my cynicism, that no one deserves anything and I don't make wishes anymore? Would you understand that love doesn't solve everything, no matter how much you want it to? Would you want to try anyway?

Is there anyone out there with whom love wouldn't feel like a compromise?

8 Things I Have Noticed Lately

1. Blogging is hard to do when you don't have access to a functioning computer.

2. Spending hours drooling over the NaNoWriMo website will not actually get a book written.

3. I have the communication skills of something that doesn't communicate.

4. Plans only matter if you actually go through with them.

5. Just because you used to be something doesn't mean you still are. This can be a positive, negative, or neutral occurence.

6. My mom somehow never gets less awesome. I'm not really sure how she does it. Magic may be involved.

7. Change can be terrifying, necessary, and good all at the same time. Example A: Barack Obama is aparently terrifying to some people, but his election is necessary and a good thing. Example B is more personal and will be commented upon once it has actually taken place. I'm terrified. But in a good, necessary sort of way!

8. Following up #3 and #4... it really only just occurred to me that my vision of the future might not actually be what someone else's vision of the future is. In the sense of futures being intertwined. Which is weird and scary because I always sort of assumed that things would fall into place and work out. But what if they don't unless you make them? How am I supposed to know when the right time is? What if I never feel "ready"? What if I get shot down even if I am ready? What if it just doesn't matter, and nothing goes the way I hope it will? Ugh. Point being, I overthink everything and don't communicate well or even at all sometimes and I need to freaking stop it because I'm screwing everything up. And it scares me.



"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." - The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz

5 things to check out if you're bored.

1. Astro.com. It lets you put in the exact time of your birth, and gives you a very detailed horoscope every day. It tends to be accurate enough to freak me out if I'm having a weird day.

2. Any music by Ani Difranco, especially Dilate, since that's what I'm listening to right now.

3. Orisinal.com. Cutest. Games. Ever. The graphics are little-kid-nursery adorable and the different challenges are loads of fun for the easily distracted.

4. The Birls community on LiveJournal. "Birls" stands for "boyish girls" and the LJ group is one of the most active online GLBT forums I've ever found. There are Facebook and MySpace groups as well, but nothing beats the original. If you are butch, FTM, transgendered, tomboyish, genderqueer, androgynous, or an admirer of such persons, you have to check it out. A-mazing.

5. Scrubs episodes on YouTube. Oh, you know it's the best show ever. Ever! There's a lot of episodes up, starting with the very first episode here. It's probably the only show that never fails to make me laugh out loud no matter what. Love.


Okay. Now you have an activity, some music, some games, some eye candy, and a badass tv show. Boredom be gone!



(I should get some sleep...)

Napoleon.

They told you your music could reach millions
That the choice was up to you
And you told me "They always pay for lunch
And they believe in what I do"
And I wonder, will you miss your old friends
Once you've proven what you're worth?
Yeah I wonder, when you're a big star
Will you miss the earth?
And I knew you'd always, always want more
I knew you'd never, never be done

Oh 'cause everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon

And the next time that I saw you
You were larger than life
Yeah you came and you conquered
You were doing alright
You had an army of suits behind you
All you had to be was willing
And I said "I still make a pretty good living
But you must make a killing, a killing"
And I hope that, that you are happy
I hope at least you are having fun

Oh 'cause everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Oh everyone is a fucking Napoleon

So now you think that is, that's the way it's gonna be
So that's what this is all about
And I think that that's, that's the way it always was
You chose not to notice until now
Oh yeah now that, now that there's a problem
You call me up to confide
And you go on for over an hour
About each one that took you for a ride
And I guess that you dialed my number
Because you thought for sure that I'd agree
And I said "Baby, you know I still love you
But how dare you complain to me?"

Oh but everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon

They told you your music could reach millions
That the choice was up to you
And you told me "They always pay for lunch
And they believe in what I do"
And I wonder, do you miss your old friends
Now you've proven what you're worth?
Yeah, yeah I wonder, now that you're a big star
Tell me, do you miss the earth?
Do you, do you miss the earth?
And I knew you'd always, always want more
I knew you'd never, never be done

Oh 'cause everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Oh everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon
Yeah, yeah
Everyone is a fucking Napoleon


--Ani Difranco, Napoleon



Fortune cards said the obstacle in my way right now is trows - people who take advantage of you. I have some thoughts on the matter. But I mostly hope that I'm wrong.

Crossing my fingers, knocking on wood.

I think my computer might be working again, if not quite back to "normal". Which would mean I could start writing again. Which would be neat.

If I'm correct, I'll write more later.

Dogs

Dogs are cute all the time, or handsome, or gorgeous, or dashing, or majestic. Dogs are an attractive species, even the really goofy-looking breeds. They're loyal and they are good at so many different things. They can be good with kids, they can be protective guardians, they can be playful, they can be hard workers, they can be athletes. As far as I'm concerned, life is just better with dogs.

My family's first dog was a German Shephard/hound mix that my parents adopted from the shelter. He was very handsome, but had been terribly abused in his previous home. He tolerated my dad, but he LOVED my mother and I. He was a good boy.

My dog that I grew up with was probably the best dog I'll ever have. A purebred Rottweiller, he kept an eye out for me and my friends when we were little, grudgingly pulled us on a sled in the snow, he liked to play ball, he kept our house and home safe. He barked at trespassers, and he barked when my friends and I were getting too rough in our pillow fights - definitely an authority figure. He was also very sweet, and I was heartbroken when we had to put him down.

The dogs that my mom has now are ridiculous. They were surrendered from their home to the animal shelter, where we found them - a less adoptable pair their never was. First of all, pairs are hard to place because most people only want one dog. Big dogs are also less sought-after - these guys are each over 90 pounds. One is a Rottie mix (an unpopular breed), one has epilepsy (special needs). Both were 3 when we got them, most people want younger dogs. Still, they came home with us, and we haven't regretted it yet - even though they sleep on the furniture and have proven themselves as escape artists. They've goofy. They make my dad's spirit happy because they protect the house and look intimidating; they make my mom happy because they're BEYOND affectionate and they keep her busy. I like them because they have two of the most absurd personalities I have ever known.

My ex-girlfriend's dog, my stepdog, the one who is asleep in my lap right now and has been for this entire post - he's the inspiration for this little ramble. He is, as I've said, a 60-pound Black Lab mix. You can't really pick out anything about him other than Lab, but when you put him next to a purebred you know that he is waaaaay off the kennel club list. So he's a little mutt, little especially compared to the behemoths that live with my mom. He was rescued from a shelter in the South two years ago, when he was six months old, and my ex has had him ever since. He barks whenever anyone comes home, sometimes he barks at nothing, he gets overly excited and tears around the house, once in a while he oversteps his boundaries and tries to play rough with the cats (they don't put up with that for very long, though). But he is mostly a good boy. He fetches, he swims, he goes for long walks through the woods, he behaves himself when we take him to campus. I'm the only one who will let him on my bed, so he jumps up every chance he gets and snuggles with me during the day. At night he sleeps on the futon in my room, or once in a while curled up next to my pillows.

As I type this, sitting on my bed, he is completely zonked out with his head and paws in my lap. He breathes warm doggy air against my leg, and his ears and muzzle are extra-soft in that sleepy-dog way. I know he's not mine, and I know there's non-animal-lovers out there who don't get it. But really, life is just better with dogs.

Tina Fey as Palin and Amy Poehler as Clinton

I know I'm probably the last person to see this, but oh my goodness I nearly died laughing a couple times.

We don't agree on - anything. Anything.

Notably "I can see Russia from my house." Oh sweet jebus.

When being easily distracted is nice

So, sometimes when you get depressed, if you are the sort that gets depressed, do you rant and vent and pour your inner pain out to one of your best friends, and then during a lull in the conversation suddenly think "Man. I would really like some potatoes." ?

Because that's definitely what happened to me tonight. One of my realities is that whatever is wrong with my brain never really goes away, but it can be overshadowed or pushed aside sometimes. I tried explaining this to a friend once, saying that on good days, I think I'm a good person for the most part, someone who just doesn't know how to deal with the things life throws at her, and who doesn't love herself enough, either. My friend frowned and said that on good days, she doesn't think about thinks like that at all. Huh.

So in general I've been having a good streak lately, all things considered. It makes me anxious, because I'm always worried about when it will end - but I'm trying not to worry so much. I'm trying to just go with it, and make the most of things so that I have something left to work with when I have a bad day. This has not been a bad day. This has been the sort of day when the idea of fried potatoes is enough to distract me momentarily from whatever angst I'm pontificating on. I like fried-potato days - they give me hope for a time when I don't have to categorize my days by my mood.

But seriously now, I need to go make some potatoes. Like right now.

And puppy dogs tails

I was going to blog tonight, but it's hard to type with a 61-pound Black Lab mix sitting in your lap because he needs his belly rubbed and his face and paws kissed RIGHT NOW so he knows you love him heaps and heaps.

Since I don't think I've mentioned it yet, I'll just say that I have the cutest stepdog in the whole wide world. And I love him. And I think he needs more snuggles now.

2 A.M.

It's 2 A.M.! I should have been asleep approximately three hours ago! But I'm not!

I found some neat lyrics to post when I feel like it, which is not now.

I've spent way, way, way too much time on the Homesteadin' Unschoolers Blog Ring, and I'm no where near done. I miss homeschooling and unschooling and all that nifty stuff. I need to take more initiative in my own education.

I am super on the fence about what to do with this blog.

Tomorrow I will completely clean my gerbil's cage and give him fresh shavings. And lube up the little wheely thing, because the squeaking noise it is making right now is ungodly. Ungodly, you hear?!

Tomorrow I will table for our GSA's bake sale, go to Feminist Club (I promise it's not really called that), and hopefully figure out what the heck to do at the two meetings I have to run this week (one's a preliminary meeting for a community education project, the other is a transgender/genderqueer issues discussion group). I will also consume a large amount of homemade peppermint patties, because they are "oh my God oh my God oh my God" worthy.

My car is fixed! But I still need to go to the DMV Thursday with Thing One to get some foolishness sorted out. Ugh.

I need a job.

I'm wearing a boy undershirt and orca whale boxers.

I am amazing.

Goodnight.

Del Martin

GLBT activist and community icon Del Martin recently passed away. Sucks to see such a cool lady leave us.

Time Magazine obituary
Wikipedia page

Because maybe -----

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Encircle me, I need to be taken down

Spelled out your name and list the reasons
Pain of heart
Don't call me back
I imagine you when I was distant
Non-insistent
I follow suit and laid out on my back
Imagine that
A million hours left to think of you
And think of that

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now
And coming around
Coming around
Nobody likes to but I really like to cry
Nobody likes me
Maybe if I cry
Encircle me, I need to be taken down.

- Tegan and Sara, "The Con"

The pain that's soon to come is so necessary, because this is ridiculous, but I am so afraid of it. As much as I would like, in theory anyway, to move on, the actual process is terrifying. I don't want to. I would rather curl up in my room all day and cry and say Oh poor me.


You'd rather be a bitch
Than be an ordinary broken heart.

- The Dresden Dolls, "Good Day"


I wonder what it says about me that all Tegan and Sara songs seem to remind me of our relationship and its demise, and all Dresden Dolls songs seem to remind me of me? Wait - I can think of an exception.


There's a war inside of me;
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.

-Tegan and Sara, "You Wouldn't Like Me"


Oh, this is going to be so bad.

Take a deep breath.

Most of the time you go about thinking thinking thinking about things, sometimes to the point of overthinking things. And then there's times when you find yourself trapped in a moment with a feeling that overwhelms any thoughts you could possibly have. The feeling that I'm going to die right now right this very moment I can't go on because I can't stop feeling like this but I don't even know what it is but it won't stop and I can't make it go away because I don't know what it is and oh God please let it be over now please please please let me die because I can't possibly go on feeling like this and I can't make it stop and I'm going to die.
And you can't do anything about it except wait for it to pass. And once it's gone, your brain starts to work again, but slowly. So you just breathe, and try to do everything slowly, and do something that is not feeling like that. Anything. And you breathe. And you are glad that it is over.

Just breathe. Slow, deep, easy breaths.


More on this another time.

You're the finest thing I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun

What does it mean to refuse to be with someone because you think they could be what's best for you?

What does it mean to have one thing in your life that you refuse to risk destroying?

What does it mean to realize that if she's the only thing you won't destroy, it means you are willing to ruin everything else?

Stay small

I know you'll grow
But I wish I knew you'd stay small
If I said so
Please just don't grow
Please just don't grow
Stay small
Won't you stay small
- The Receiving End Of Sirens, "Stay Small"



So a few weeks ago I had a terrifying thought. I'm 19, and not planning on having biological children (ever ever ever - I have a horror of childbirth). I want to adopt older children through the foster care system, and I planning on starting my foster care training when I'm 28, 29, 30-ish. So it occurred to me not long ago, that my kids may already be born.
I might have kids. They might be alive already. Somewhere on this planet. Already. Even though I won't know they're my kids for another ten years. They're still mine. And they might be there already.
Crazy.

So, I'm mentioning this because I had a strange reaction to the movie An American Crime the other night. I watched it with Thing One and Thing Two, two of my awesome roommates who are a couple and kind of inseparable, hence the choice of blog name - which might change if I come up with something better. First of all, the movie is harsh - I seriously hope anyone who watches it knows exactly what they're getting into. I did, and I still had a hard time with it.
The movie tells the true story of Sylvia Likens, a teenager who was imprisoned in a basement and tortured by a woman who was supposed to be taking care of her. Ellen Page has the lead role and is amazing as always - though I do wonder, between this and Hard Candy, if she has some demons she's trying to work through. I might be completely off, but it's just a thought.
Anyway - well done movie, but I'd be cautious recommending it to people unless they understand how upsetting some of the content is. Thing Two had nightmares. It's harsh.

When we got to the end of the film, though, my reaction was kind of interesting, at least to me. It definitely brought up some baddy bad stuff from my past, but more than that - I wanted my kids. I was sad and scared that they're out there, going through whatever they're going to have to go through in order to wind up in foster care and then eventually with me. The state doesn't take kids away from their families just for kicks and giggles - they take kids away when things are too bad to ignore. They take kids away from their families because they're being beaten, or starved, or left alone for days, or molested. You do not go into foster care without a fair amount of damage having already occurred.
And that's why I've always wanted to adopt older foster children - to give some hope for healing that damage, to try and make things better for someone. But I can't stand thinking that I'm here, living my own young adult still mostly teenage college life, and my kids are out there somewhere going through some kind of hell. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, even though that's obviously the situation. I almost feel guilty, as though my wanting foster children is somehow responsible for their situation - even though abuse and neglect happen every day, all over the country and the world. I know that I'm going to be doing a good thing, when I eventually get my licensing, that I'm going to do my best to give a child the best possible shot at life they can, especially when they've already had a rough start.

But still - last night, I wanted nothing more than to find my kiddos, wherever they are, and just hug them and hold them and tell them everything is going to be okay.

If I could

"If I could start again,
A million miles away.
I would keep myself:
I would find a way."
-- "Hurt", as song by Johnny Cash


If I could go back, even partway...I would give anything.

Gender fluidity & interpretation in WALL-E

Well, I was going to post something completely different, but how could I not link this: my hero Kate Bornstein writing about gender interpretation in Disney-Pixar's WALL-E.

http://katebornstein.typepad.com/kate_bornsteins_blog/2008/07/walle-a-butchfe.html

How fucking fantastic is that? Made my day, that's for sure. It still amazes me how ingrained gender binary is into our culture, where we assign gender to freaking ROBOTS and think nothing of it. Geez.

Yeah, Kate B. always makes me smile, no matter what ze's up to. :-D

Still trying to figure out where I'm going with this....

So generally speaking, bloggers tend to fall into one of two categories: those writing for the general public, and those writing for themselves or a few friends. As per usual, I'm undecided about which of these this blog is going to become. This particular post is probably more of the latter, though, since at this point no one reads this. Oh well.

Watching Ninja Turtles III - I know, I'm classy - and getting ready for sleep. Didn't do a lot today, other than shopping with Roommates One And Two, and made apple crisp this evening. Yay homemade food! Goals for tomorrow are to start writing my resume, finish reading Tom Sawyer, and to work on either some poems or one of my fiction stories. Then in the evening a bunch of friends and I are sitting on a panel for diversity training for RAs at our school. I've done it quite a few times before, but the last RA-specific session apparently wasn't great, so I'm kind of nervous.

Other than that...I don't know. I talked to my friend Xurikaya for over an hour tonight, about various things. Towards the end I don't think I was making much sense, partly because I was overtired and partially I think because I was doing that going-inside-myself thing that I'm so good at. I get to thinking too much and then I can't focus on whatever's actually happening because I'm too far into my own head. I dunno.

So I guess that's it for now. Like I said, I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going with blog thing. In the awesome words of Garrison Keillor: "Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

Begin the begin.

Oh dear.
I've started a blog.
Now what?

Things you should know:
- I will most likely forget about this thing and stop using it in a month or so, if not sooner.
- I'm very, very odd about my privacy on the internet, so don't expect any full names or even real ones to be used.
- I haven't decided yet whether to let friends see this, so I'm not sure who this little spiel is directed towards.
- If you randomly stumbled across this, and think it is dumb/pointless/offensive/etc., skip along off somewhere else. It wasn't written for you, it was written because I had a sudden whim. I'm not trying to bother you, so please don't bother me.

Who am I?

I'm some girl.

Some descriptors and other things: 19, tall, worries too much, laughs a lot, lesbian, queer, Irish-American, feminist, wannabe activist, Democrat, liberal, rides horses but not as often as she used to or as often as she'd like, loves animals, lives in a nifty apartment with nifty people most of the time, spends the rest of her time at her mom's house 100 miles away, gets bored while driving between the two, can play some Rock Band songs on medium, bakes but can't cook, recently lost her dad, still has an awesome mom, had a crazy teenagehood, formerly homeschooled, goes to college but is taking a semester off, wants to work with teenagers, likes shooting her roommates with a Nerf gun, will probably never leave New England, needs to find a job, half-assed hippie, likes almost any kind of music unless it's about going to the slums where the killers get hung, probably has some some undiagnosed depression/PTSD/anxiety, writes when she can, reads more than that, has a Ban deodorant ad taped to her wall because she thought it looked cool, wishes her life was a musical, knows the significance of orange ribbons on March 1st, thinks Rosie O'Donnell is the shit, is good at faking smiles, wishes she never had to, and is paranoid that internet crazies are going to get her. Probably should not have a blog, for this last reason, if not all the others.

Ummmmmm.
Yeah that's good enough for a first post. Let's stick with that.


I hope the internet crazies don't get me....